Did you ever think you would rather lie naked with a morbidly obese gentleman? Maybe, dousing yourself with gasoline, lighting a torch, and then running up 100 flight of stairs blindfolded? No? Neither have I, until yesterday.
Yesterday, I, according to the 'training diary', was to run 5 miles. Now, we all understand by now that I am walk-jogging (sometimes its walk'ging, others more wal'ogging), and yes, I am sure you are able to run the 7 minute mile on your hands with a boat anchor up your ass...I can't (boat anchor, yes - 7 minute mile no). I, apparently, am able to complete the miserable 5 mi. trail of misery and torture in an excruciating 1 hour and 15 minutes. So, not only do I hate every second, but I suck as well.
One thing, if you happen to be someone that has less than 2 lungs, its all about heart rate baby. So, my completely unscientific, and more than likely totally incorrect conclusions from yesterday run are as follows:
- People who enjoy running...may also enjoy being slowly sliced open by homeless 'little people' (notice no derogatory language - no midget or dwarf - very nice) using rusty butter knives.
- Humidity blows. It is not a "dry heat" here in the south. It is a wrap me in a wet plastic bag, with no air or wind; an "Oh, global warming...I see - did the sun actually crash into the earth?" The hazy horribleness of summer - only its nearly October.
- The heat (see #2) may cause your body to work harder, even when what you are doing is something a small infant (or very elderly paraplegic) could do for hours.
- This additional effort, may cause your heart rate to increase. Even more than it already is.
- Your heart is working over time, or maybe, it is simply trying to adjust to life without 2 lungs. This causes it to completely shit its pants on occasion (this in turn may cause you to follow suit).
- When running (walk-ging) you may suddenly feel you are unable to catch your breath. STOP JOGGING IMMEDIATELY. If you do not begin to walk (instead of jog) immediately you will lose your mind.
- Even if you do stop, it will take at least 30 seconds for you to be able to fully inhale - and believe you are able to actually breathe. Until that time, you will absolutely want to freak out on the side of the street (or in a pleasant neighborhood) in broad daylight. This is due to the fact you are positive you will never catch your breath and will pass out, or die, before your next step.
- You will not pass out - I don't think - but you will have several episodes that make you wish you actually did.
- When you are finished with your walk/jog your chest will feel like its been hit with a hammer by a very large man, over and over again.
- You will not feel like you have accomplished anything - as you have just walked 3 or more miles out of the 5.
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