5 Miles and 7 hours later...

Did you ever think you would rather lie naked with a morbidly obese gentleman?  Maybe, dousing yourself with gasoline, lighting a torch, and then running up 100 flight of stairs blindfolded?  No? Neither have I, until yesterday. 

Yesterday, I, according to the 'training diary', was to run 5 miles.  Now, we all understand by now that I am walk-jogging (sometimes its walk'ging, others more wal'ogging), and yes, I am sure you are able to run the 7 minute mile on your hands with a boat anchor up your ass...I can't (boat anchor, yes - 7 minute mile no).  I, apparently, am able to complete the miserable 5 mi. trail of misery and torture in an excruciating 1 hour and 15 minutes.  So, not only do I hate every second, but I suck as well. 

One thing, if you happen to be someone that has less than 2 lungs, its all about heart rate baby.  So, my completely unscientific, and more than likely totally incorrect conclusions from yesterday run are as follows:

1. People who enjoy running...may also enjoy being slowly sliced open by homeless 'little people' (notice no derogatory language - no midget or dwarf - very nice) using rusty butter knives.
2. Humidity blows.  It is not a "dry heat" here in the south. It is a wrap me in a wet plastic bag, with no air or wind; an "Oh, global warming...I see - did the sun actually crash into the earth?" The hazy horribleness of summer - only its nearly October.
   
3. The heat (see #2) may cause your body to work harder, even when what you are doing is something a small infant (or very elderly paraplegic) could do for hours.
4. This additional effort, may cause your heart rate to increase.  Even more than it already is.
5. Your heart is working over time, or maybe, it is simply trying to adjust to life without 2 lungs.  This causes it to completely shit its pants on occasion (this in turn may cause you to follow suit).
6. When running (walk-ging) you may suddenly feel you are unable to catch your breath.  STOP JOGGING IMMEDIATELY.  If you do not begin to walk (instead of jog) immediately you will lose your mind.
7. Even if you do stop, it will take at least 30 seconds for you to be able to fully inhale - and believe you are able to actually breathe.  Until that time, you will absolutely want to freak out on the side of the street (or in a pleasant neighborhood) in broad daylight.  This is due to the fact you are positive you will never catch your breath and will pass out, or die, before your next step.
8. You will not pass out - I don't think - but you will have several episodes that make you wish you actually did.
9. When you are finished with your walk/jog your chest will feel like its been hit with a hammer by a very large man, over and over again.
10. You will not feel like you have accomplished anything - as you have just walked 3 or more miles out of the 5.
    

So. Tomorrow is 3 miles.  I think I may eat 4 lbs. of raw bacon and drink a bottle of ipecac right before the run - this way I can truly enjoy myself.