Ramblings, rumblings and rectums.

Phlebitis.  I do not have this disease - I believe it is a disease, it may be more of a condition, a horrible condition of course - I am unsure.  I like the word though, and have used it regularly for some 20 years, it is at once both humorous and something else, I do not know what this something else is, but had to have it as I used the term both...and so you have to include two items.

Soon I will be undergoing two - I should have used both here, rather than above, it would have fit much nicer - fantastically awesome procedures.  The first is some word I can simply not remember - asldfjwpaoisd - that certainly isn't it, but lets pretend.  It is a 3 day procedure, which is awesome in itself, and I am unsure of what exactly will be done - or for that matter the purpose.  I believe it is to ensure I don't have any more carcinoids anywhere in my body (I hope they find one in the pocket of my jeans, much easier to remove) - so I assume it involves an IV or six, some sort of imaging machine and me having a number of panic attacks while enclosed in the coffin like tube of death - a true joy.

The second, one known to many of you out there in - I have too much time on my hands and am reading drivel written by morons on the Internet- land.  The super combo, amazingly stupendous colonoscopy with a side of endoscopy and an exorbitant amount of flatulence for dessert. I simply cannot wait for this wonderful experience.  Feels like I'm going to be eating at the captains table, naked, sitting on Gopher's lap.

I enjoyed my first visit with the Doctor, very nice gentleman, he made it seem natural to - in one utterance - use the terms, rectum, anal, flatulence, stool, discharge and lubricant.  I, not to be out done, but for no apparent reason (in fact I simply rambled these off in order) used the terms, butt knuckle, spleen bag, poo poo, anal butter, and ass buckle.  After that things get a little vague. 

I did, however, receive the instructions via mail just today.  They seem to outline many things I must do, of course I will not read these 'things' and will probably be full of 8 lbs of Taco Bell during the procedure. It does have in enormous bold words some interesting directions I did happen to peruse.

I cannot eat beans, corn, celery, lettuce, tomatoes, raw fruits, sees and/or nuts 3 days prior.  So, beans - I get that one, corn - that seems reasonable would hate to hit someone in the eye with kernel. Lettuce and tomatoes, totally clueless here, doubt anyone would be wanting a salad during this - the lettuce could obstruct the view maybe (like riding in a jungle), and I guess eating a tomato could do horrible things...who knows.

It is nice though, that at the bottom of the first page it does state - "When the scope is removed, you may feel the urge to pass air out of your rectum." - is that not simply beautiful.  I hope someday, to write something that might impact others as much as this simple sentence does me.