Freida Machoi

5 Miles and 7 hours later...

Did you ever think you would rather lie naked with a morbidly obese gentleman?  Maybe, dousing yourself with gasoline, lighting a torch, and then running up 100 flight of stairs blindfolded?  No? Neither have I, until yesterday. 

Yesterday, I, according to the 'training diary', was to run 5 miles.  Now, we all understand by now that I am walk-jogging (sometimes its walk'ging, others more wal'ogging), and yes, I am sure you are able to run the 7 minute mile on your hands with a boat anchor up your ass...I can't (boat anchor, yes - 7 minute mile no).  I, apparently, am able to complete the miserable 5 mi. trail of misery and torture in an excruciating 1 hour and 15 minutes.  So, not only do I hate every second, but I suck as well. 

One thing, if you happen to be someone that has less than 2 lungs, its all about heart rate baby.  So, my completely unscientific, and more than likely totally incorrect conclusions from yesterday run are as follows:

1. People who enjoy running...may also enjoy being slowly sliced open by homeless 'little people' (notice no derogatory language - no midget or dwarf - very nice) using rusty butter knives.
2. Humidity blows.  It is not a "dry heat" here in the south. It is a wrap me in a wet plastic bag, with no air or wind; an "Oh, global warming...I see - did the sun actually crash into the earth?" The hazy horribleness of summer - only its nearly October.
   
3. The heat (see #2) may cause your body to work harder, even when what you are doing is something a small infant (or very elderly paraplegic) could do for hours.
4. This additional effort, may cause your heart rate to increase.  Even more than it already is.
5. Your heart is working over time, or maybe, it is simply trying to adjust to life without 2 lungs.  This causes it to completely shit its pants on occasion (this in turn may cause you to follow suit).
6. When running (walk-ging) you may suddenly feel you are unable to catch your breath.  STOP JOGGING IMMEDIATELY.  If you do not begin to walk (instead of jog) immediately you will lose your mind.
7. Even if you do stop, it will take at least 30 seconds for you to be able to fully inhale - and believe you are able to actually breathe.  Until that time, you will absolutely want to freak out on the side of the street (or in a pleasant neighborhood) in broad daylight.  This is due to the fact you are positive you will never catch your breath and will pass out, or die, before your next step.
8. You will not pass out - I don't think - but you will have several episodes that make you wish you actually did.
9. When you are finished with your walk/jog your chest will feel like its been hit with a hammer by a very large man, over and over again.
10. You will not feel like you have accomplished anything - as you have just walked 3 or more miles out of the 5.
    

So. Tomorrow is 3 miles.  I think I may eat 4 lbs. of raw bacon and drink a bottle of ipecac right before the run - this way I can truly enjoy myself. 

4 Miles is a long way to carry a colostomy bag.

So.  Today I walk-un'd  4 miles.  It sucked.  It was better than the 3 mile walk-n'd (much more walk then run there), but it was running...so it sucked.

My wife, God bless her, was great - she had to book it after 3 miles in order to actually break a sweat (and to be on time to volunteer @ our son's class).  So, running with 1.3 lungs, a month after a thoracotomy is very similar to placing a piece of saran wrap over your mouth and nose and running - I imagine - as I have never run with a piece of saran wrap over my mouth and nose.  It also provides a very nice feeling of - holy crap I think the right side of my chest is going to fall onto the ground - or - please stop kicking me in the chest with your high heels on you insensitive butt-knuckle.

Apparently we only use 10% of our lung capacity - this has not been validated, in fact I think the woman who said this is full of sh*t, and that she may only use 10% of her lung capacity but that's because she weighs 11 lbs. and only eats 10% of her meals.  If, however, this is true - then I have a serious problem - as I apparently require 100%.  In fact, I may need 110%, that may be why I have always abhorred running. 

What I can say for certain, is that my run goes a lot like this; 

O.k., let's start our very casual, almost geriatric in nature,  jog.  5ft...10ft...25ft (now able to hear my breathing if running next to me)...40ft (now if you are within 100 yards you can here my breathing and may wonder if a dying moose is in the vicinity)...65ft (I am now just about ready to panic, not quite there, but am definitely trying to catch my breath unsuccessfully)...75ft...STOP! I am unable to catch my breath, am certain I am drowning somehow out of water, and am telling myself quietly "...it's all in your head, you have plenty of O2, Missy Y. said so and she's a lady that does something or other with people or not, maybe alone...",  if it lasts too long I may skip like a little girl and let out a small yelp - also like a little girl - in order to stop myself from diving head first into a fully developed panic attack.  I, of course, eventually catch my breath (it takes longer than I would like it to) and the panic fades, until, once again I'm ready to start running (jog) again, and start the process over (and over, and over)

This goes on for...well 4 miles today.  If I were my wife I would have hit me with a hammer.  What an annoying ass.  Its like jogging with grandpa, carrying his colostomy bag and dragging his mobile ventilator behind him while his mechanical larynx voice box is stuck on high making him sound like a dying cow on the national geographic.

But, we both stuck it out.  Next is 5 miles.  I hoping I accidentally break my spine while sleeping...or maybe not, it'd be a great thing to make it to Disney and do more running than walking a marathon.

Running sucks. Let's run a Marathon.

Prior to the slight detour into the geriatric ward, my wife and I had planned on running a marathon.  It may be more appropriate to say, my wife planned on she and I running a marathon.  I was passive in the decision making process - that may be due to my general lethargy, short attention span, and general inability to take anything seriously.

Now, I do run - I run often.  I run to the bathroom, to the couch, occasionally I run from my children, or maybe on those days I feel bold I will run...no wait, that doesn't happen.  Truthfully, I hate to run.  I hated to run when I was 8 - as I flipped my coach the 'bird' for making me run (my parents were - and are - proud); I hated to run in high school, as I yelled "...running sucks the ass of humanity..." while running extra laps after football practice for walking (again) across the line during sprints (which is also running and therefore hated).  

Running for the simple purpose of running, to me, is akin to vomiting for hours at a time - it is horribly uncomfortable, painful at times, causes bizarre pains in regions of your body you simply wished to forget you had, while it may not smell as bad as vomit, nor can running accidentally come out of your nose, it does cause you to lose weight.  I don't know if you can grow inappropriately long hair on your arms from running, but I would not doubt it.  I do know people that are addicted to it (I hate all of them) - and of course many people enjoy running, I also know many people that enjoy vomiting - maybe they should run, and vomit.  I plan on it.

So.  I am 40.  Have never run more than 4 miles (I think I ran 4 miles, probably more like 3 and walked a mile).  I have 1.33 lungs.  My legs are seriously the length of some of my friends fingers - think of someone that is 5' 2" and take a picture of them from the knees up - oh and shove a pillow in the back of their shorts (that would be my ass).  Is it possible for me to run a marathon in a little over 3 months?  I believe I can.

I am doing this for my wife.  She deserves more than I could ever provide.  The thing I was most upset about when I got sick was the fact I might not be able to run this marathon that my wife and I had started training for...after every run she told me how great it was (insanity) and how much it meant to her.  So, for her I simply cannot give it up.  I'll do the best I can, which in my case we all need to keep our expectations fairly low.  If anyone happens to read any of this, and has any pointers, I'm all ears.  If you want to maybe have surgery to shorten your legs, gain some weight and become a horribly pessimistic narcissist as well - you could take my place (no one would know).

Today we began, or rather, restarted our training.  3 miles.  I walked much of it.  Breathing is still difficult, a lot like having asthma - I imagine, as I don't have asthma - it was great being passed by the group of Alzheimer patients with walkers, a real ego boost.  But I'm not giving up, maybe tomorrow I'll push those bastards down and run pass them laughing - right before I bend over trying to catch my breath in the throws of a panic attack.